How many men and women prepare themselves to live as a couple, as a family?
Some think about it, others are already committed to it. We hear of stories… and one is sometimes moved by the expectations and hopes of some, and sometimes saddened by the painful life experiences of others. Perhaps you are also, sisters and brothers, preparing yourselves to engage in this life experience of marriage, known as half of your faith. Or perhaps you have already started sharing your life with someone. In this, your expectations, thank God, were more than met but sometimes doubts have emerged. This… is not what you had expected.
Brothers and sisters, nothing should be idealized.
The perfect husband or the perfect wife only exists in your dreams. God has given you, as He has given others, noble qualities and intelligence. God has given you, as He has given others, faults and deficiencies. Perfection is not given to you or any human being.
It is not enough to share the same faith, the same principles and the same hopes to make an ideal couple. How many young couples have been under the illusion that their future life will be harmonious as if being Muslim was enough for a successful marriage? As if their union was based solely on the meeting of two worlds founded on the same principles that one respects or on the rules which one applies.
This illusion, which yesterday promised a small earthly paradise, today makes life a difficult struggle How many speak about « the principles of marriage in Islam » and actually live the reality of a torn, ravaged and frustrated existence?
Today, more than ever, living as a married couple has become a real challenge. Around us, men and women meet and leave each other in a modern society in which they confuse freedom and the absence of accountability as love and flexibility.
Living as a couple is not without its challenges – preparing yourself, learning and constantly trying to reach out to the other with patience, depth and tenderness. Although it is true that the principles of Islam bring you together, or will bring you together, you must remember each day that the person with whom you share your life comes with his or her own history, wounds, sensitivities and hopes. Learn to listen, to understand, to observe, to accompany.
Living as a couple is the greatest of tests: a test of patience, of attention, of the ability to listen for unspoken words, of self-control, of mending one’s faults, of healing the wounds. In each of these tests, there are two parties. It isn’t easy. A meaningful effort has to be grounded in the deepest sense of spirituality, a jihad, in the most intense meaning of the term. The jihad of love which reminds that feelings have to be taken care of. They are maintained, deepened, rooted through your shared challenges and your patience
Patience and attention to the hearts, in a couple, will lead them towards the light, God willing. Remember, brothers and sisters, the last of the Prophets (peace be on him), an example for eternity, so attentive, so tender, and so patient. He did not only remind the Umma of principles, he enlightened with his presence, his listening, and his love.
Before being the mother of his children, his wife was a woman, his spouse, a person he discovered each day, a person whom he accompanied and who accompanied him; subject of his attention, a testimony of his love. He knew the meaning of silence, the power of a touch, the complicity of a shared glance, the pleasure in a smile, and the kindness found in being attentive.
There are those who idealize the other so much they never really see their partners and those who leave each other too quickly without taking the time to know each other. We are reminded of the principles Islam, its depth, its spirituality, its essence. Living as a couple, forming a relationship, being patient in adversity, loving to the extent of enduring, grounding by way of reforming is an initiation to spirituality. Knowing how to be one with God assures greater comfort in being together as two. A challenge, a test, far from the ideal, close to reality.
Sisters and brothers, you must prepare yourselves to live one of the most beautiful tests of life. It requires all from you, your heart, your conscience, and your efforts. The road is long. One must learn to demand, to share, and to forgive…indefinitely.
Of the things permitted by God, divorce is the most detested. Living as a couple is difficult: remember that your wife is woman before being the mother of your children; remember that your husband is a man before being the father of your children. Know how to live as a couple, within your family…in front of God and in front of your children.
This meeting place, these efforts will result in a sense of protection: They are your garments and you are their garments. Know how to be patient, learn how to be affectionate, offer forgiveness, and you will attain the spirituality of the protected, the proximity of the ones that are close. Faith then becomes your source of light and « his or her » presence, becomes your source of protection; the test of your heart, the energy of your love, half of your faith.
I pray to God that this love be the school of your efforts and the light of your patience.
Al Hamdou lillah.
This precious article from brother Tariq could not emerge at a better time for me as I’m trying to find a companion for this special journey and I’m pretty sure that I’m not alone in this department.
This is a VERY VERY (MAYBE THE MOST) IMPORTANT piece of the puzzle of marriage and we have to get this one right.
SISTERS AND BROTHERS! READ IT AGAIN, PRINT IT,SHARE IT AND ACT ON IT UNTIL WE GET IT RIGHT INSHAH ALLAH.
it must be destiny… im looking for some1 to marry my sis..lol hint hint
assalamo alaikom warahmato allahi ta`aala wabarakatuhu .
Dear brother`s and siste`s
i just want to tradect some hadith to you wiche mohamed salla allaho alaihi wassalama says in it : akrabokom ila annari ajraokom ila lfatwa (wiche it means : the nearest man to the hell are that those people who talk about the islam without to know anythings about the islam wiche it means people who taking the islam from the way they want not from the way mohamed salla`allaho alaihi wassalama showed it to us , Dear brother`s and Dear sister`s talk about the islam from the Qura`an or from sunnah or from the meaning of the freinds of mohamed salla allaho alaihi wassalam , not from are thinking , we arn`t a knowledge of the islam , and only the knowledge who have the right to explain to us , but if there some knowledge who say without proof from the aura`an and sunnah we havn`t to listen to them and we have to look at who come with a Greath proof from qura`an and sunnah . excuse me my brothers and sisters of my language but i just tries to tell some advice to my self and to you Dear best parts in this life my brothers and sisters in the islam .wassalamo alaikom warahmato allahi taala wabarakatuhu
Yes marriage is half of one’s faith. Yes divorce is despised by God- but it is after all halal. And that is one of the most merciful aspects of Islam. Dr Ramadan argues that we should not rush out of a marriage, there should be patience, perseverence, understanding etc. We must remember however, that there is another side…a side for which divorce was perhaps made muhallal in Islam. Where one partner is arrogant, unwilling to understand, abusive, destructive, controlling or violent?! Where do you draw the line exactly and know for sure that the marriage must end? When everything has been tried when every chance has been given?
as salaamu alaikum,
thank you for that comment. it was very much on point.in any situation, you must look at all aspects if possible in order to get a better understanding of your situation. always take the moderate road.
assalamu allaikum wa RahamtuhLah my dear. I agree with you, where do you draw the line is the other limit of the topic. And again you are right it is still lawful to divorce if needed. But even to what is halal there are rules, for example read Surat Al Dalaq (Divorce). And in addition, I’ve heard some women (usually women… I wonder why; maybe it’s misunderstanding our religion that has gotten us back to traditions we thought we left behind) ask a sheikh if he thinks she should get a divorce because her husband drinks, gammbles, cheats, etc. and the sheikh told her if she wants to be patient and be with him in these hard times, and pray for him she can; and if she doesn’t want to then it’s her choice. (Between me and you I loved the way the sheikh put it–never once suggesting she divorce him- he left it up to her). And this is part of what Dr. Ramadan is skilfully reminding us of–it is too often we hear stories of marriages going the « wrong way » and often in ways far from the sunnah of of how divorce is to be done.
I hope this partially answers your question; and if there are any faults then they are from me.
wasalamu allaikum my dear,
Khadija
walaikumu salam wa RahmatuhLahi waBarakatuh to all,
My dear brother or sister, I thank you for your advice, and at the same time I wonder if this is really the place it should be. Of course the hadith is a beautiful and firm reminder anywhere, but Dr. Ramadan has said nothing but pure truth. This article might be his heart’s words more then ayats from the Quran ulKareem or from the Sunnah, but they are wise and truthful words.
Walahi Dr. Ramadan has all my respect and love in Allah; and I wish we all have respect for those who give us even the slightest glimpse of truth. May Allah bless and guide our hearts all together, Alahuma ameen. And may we all find the guidance to redirect our criticisms where it really needs to be.
your sister in Islam,
wassalamu allaikum wa RahmatuhLah,
Khadija
We have a saying in Guyana- you never miss the water till the well runs dry- and as such you may never know how much important it is to keep your marriage especially when kids are involved unless you are tested by some other extra marital affair or someother issue and your marraige is suddenly threatened and you are in tears infront of Allah and on your knees infront your spouse and you recognise his/her qualities etc. Then the reality strikes-loneleiness is being afraid to be by yourself!
Abu Huraira was therefore advised to visit his aunt occassionally as this will breed love- the absence sometimes helps us miss each other and helps us really value our love.
It’s not the ring but the caring!
BARAKA ALLAHOU FIKOUM.
Tariq of Patience and Attention,
Blessed be thy words:
“You must remember each day that the person with whom you share your life comes with his or her own history, wounds, sensitivities and hopes.” —
“Remember that your wife is a woman before being the mother of your children; remember that your husband is a man before being the father of your children.”–
Blessings upon thee on thy birthday eve.
And upon thy family always blessings be.
Blessings, oh blessings upon all marriages be!
And upon the golden path lovers of eternity see.
Richeire
Dear brother,
Yeah it is a long road, they two has to build together. Patiance, tenderness and self control..very important qualities that bring harmony into marriage. And marriage teaches one these qualities, one has to practice them everyday, having them in mind helps drop the negatives thoughts that each day experiences bring. Once these qulaities are learnt marriage life doesn’t seem as hard as it might be.
It is quite interesting to read about these qualities..I was talking to a couple I know who had problems in their marriage. Listening to them, I have had many ideas in mind. When I read this article..I realized these qualities are exactly what they are missing. These qualities put together all what I have been thinking about. Couples need to listen to each other, they don’t, they need to be tender, they aren’t, they need to be patiant, they aren’t and they need to control the self..they don’t.
Where do these qualities hide..within our busy minds with perfection, of how this husband or wife should have been like..what kind of life could I have had???? or are they..abosultely not there..not living..busy with their ideals..I agree.
sister
anwar
Assalamu alaykum wa rahamtullah,
I won’t comment this article in particular but I’ll talk in general.. please brother tariq, limit yourself to your field (philosophy, which lead astray Muslims since centuries ago) and stop the ta3aalum which makes people think that you’re a real 3alim in religion while this is not true.. you love propagating confusions and trying to attract people’s attention by your different calls, provocations and 3antaryiaat.. take advantage of your popularity to help people stick to Allah’s book and His prophet’s sunnah instead of trying to dig into useless political subjects whihc but deviate Muslims from their true rescue: The return to the book of Allah and to His prophet’s sunnah.. I always wonder if people who are as popular as you review themselves before sleeping at night and judge if what they’re doing is Truly sincere and for Allah’s sake and if they’ve truly helped guide a Muslim or a non Muslim to the true path.. allahu a’alam… we really need the type of dawah whihc help people understand more and better their deen and not the 3nataryiaat whihc but confuse and deviate more Muslims to the point that they reject authentic ahadiith and rulings in Islam.. wallhulhadii
Here in Europe, we are well aware that:
i think our discussions should be with more adab and rational thought rather than bad mouthing, labeling. If u have differences then you should base a premise of the discussion and enquire aboutit. This goes to both yourself and the brother you’re refering too. What kind of Islam are we calling to if we find so difficult to have an intellectual debate.
Salaam, thank you for the tip, but I must say that it is hilarious reading other peoples’ comment, hahaha. Come on guys , just take it as an advice instead of trying to analyze it in order to let it fit into your religious ideas. It is difficult for any couple- also intercultural and/or interreligious couple- muslim, jew , boeddhist and whatever your religion may be. I must say that Dr. Ramadans’ advices which I suppose are based upon experiences, are indeed very meaningful. Salaam
Salaam,
Jazakallahu Khairn,
for confirming what I already knew and Inshallah many people know and yet cower away from – the truth.
Wasalaam
Sahdia
Assalamu Alaikum Wa Rahmatullah Wa Barakatuh,
I don’t think that your comments about Tariq speaking to European Muslim only is valid. Many people around the globe knows what message Tariq have in his luggage when he travel from Country to Country. I found it absurd also for someone to say that writing on the web to target a specific part of the globe. May be you should know that using the Internet, the whole world get to know this new ideology that tariq is explaining. You have said their are versions of Islam, but what are you doing on your side to search for the true version. Are you looking right and left when you have the book of Allah in front of you? Read the Quran, learn from the scholars of this ummah which bring you daleel and don’t cast doubts upon the beliefs of the salaf of this ummah. Someone who went in the heart of imaam muslim to know why he has not put the hadith which speak about killing the one who leave al-Islam. But Tariq says this hadith is Ahad and is weak. So, when did tariq earn the knowledge of hadith or the knowledge of the unseen? Further, I’m not a saudi resident and Tariq is visit Mauritius 24 July 2007
Salam Alikom ratmatullahi wa barakathu,
I’m speaking as a women, a daughter, a sister, a mother, as a human, and as a revert American Muslimah.
I would like to speak about trusting someone and myself enough to make this commitment that is worth Half my Faith…
We should bring ourselves into marriage with trust and commitment whole-heartedly and sincerely for Allah (swt) and we should give our souls openly, and willingly to our husbands to take and care for (to mold into better human beings, because they are our leaders, in faith, marriage, and life, and we being a revert, might not be born knowing all of these fitrahs of Islam, knowledge wasn’t instilled in us since birth about this deen)and we can and should trust our husbands with this and to help guide us to be a better slave to Allah (swt).
The problems of a common society… that people don’t want to marry when they should and need to, to preserve Islamic society and to protect each other and ourselves… However, when the common excuse of halal divorce, which is now becoming an easy excuse and reality in our face as a globe and clearly within our Ummah, it is only permanently damaging society and devastating women’s trust in men and fearfully, permanently-changing our soul and our personality and our hopes and our ability to renew ourselves again, hopefully not our imaan and in sha Allah it only makes us stronger and pulls us closer to Allah.
We, be forgiving, can give forgiveness and we don’t label all men as being the kind were talking about here, fer sure! We understand men are not all bad, and not all men are bad, of course. No one is perfect, women included, no human is patient all of the time, to wait through the problems to grow as two people and to learn IN marriage, not BY marriage. We should give a million excuses for the human being; we all have weaknesses not the same.
So, I want to know how can humans build themselves through these situations and without it channeling back out through bitterness and unwillingness to accept another person into our lives; into our hearts and into our minds, souls, and to trust again ourselves in a marriage? We can’t even let people into our lives on a deep personal level.
Our fear; that maybe it cannot work for us as a revert, maybe there are too many stereotypes upon the women reverts and its become now taboo for Arab men, to take and actually KEEP their western wife, its seen more as a convenience and an expendable commodity, possible without clear intention to grow old with her and to mold her and to build her. Speaking frankly, Arab society and Arab families reject the complete acceptance of a western wife – complete being that if the husband were to return to Allah, then where would she go? Would she stay with his family? She could have a mahram from his father and uncles, but will they keep her? Doubtful!
Sincerely, I myself know I need a husband and I need a marriage and I know I need it for my deen and my life and my soul, and I want it. Alhamdulillah rabbil allameen!, that I can acknowledge that for myself. But, I’m not sure I feel like giving it another shot for myself, I wish I could learn to trust again, and I know it starts with myself but sometimes you just give up, because it’s not worth letting another human affect yourself so much, it’s not worth the damage on your soul. Unfortunately it is permanent damage. I feel that I would be better for this Ummah and for Dawah and a better slave if I just stayed alone. I don’t really want to be alone but the fear of failure is too much, I can’t… and I know I am scared of it.
I haven’t ever heard anyone agree with me, no sheikh thinks this is a good idea for me, but I cant get the answers of what is better, this or that, I can do more for dawah without boundaries, and I can be more focused on Allah without another persons needs taking my time. How can this be better when I know it is doubtful to last… everything taking compromise, I know that, I am trying to be honest with myself here and figure out my issues before its to late and I loose the good chances in life and I don’t want to regret later and especially on Judgment Day.
Allah help us all in this dunya to focus on Him and our worship that should only be for Him, and may He guide us all to our deaths on this fitrah and upon the straight path, Peace upon the prophet and his righteous companions and devout followers of his sunnah, Ameen
~هبة
in fact the article is great and it has got too much information
i totaly agree with you concerning the idealization , exactly girls dream a lot and they put an image out of reach and out of existance so when they get married they will face too much problemes , i think they have to predispose their selves.
some people thought that marriage can give you happiness or sadness
in fact we cannot live in a perfect situation as well as we cant live in happiness 100% but we have to have a forgiven heart. i am not just talking about women ,it concerns men too.
salima barrouri
I do think women are more critical in choosing a life partner, but that’s not just because they have too high expectations. Many muslimwomen have developed themselves in another way, one might say more, than men. While the men were being spoilt by their mothers, the women focussed on their education. I see around me many beautiful, intelligent, well educated-women, who stil want a man they can respect and look up to. I myself married young to a man of my parent’s choice, but I can imagine that when you are older, more conscious and have invested in yourself you will expect the same frome your partner. Some of these women end up unmarried, some eventually marry someone less educated and then there is another category of women that end up with non-muslimmen.
I’m one of those women you refer to. And sometimes I wonder: aren’t we women the real losers in this proces?
Yes, it’s nice that we can earn our own money, but doesn’t every women, deep down inside want to be loved by as you say a man ‘she can respect and look up to’? Wouldn’t it be nice if it were the men who stopped fooling around, studied, got good jobs and took care of us women? Don’t forget: women are more emotional than men, I think men are better equipped for the stress society brings with it (not very feministic of me to say, I know).
Another part of this I want to highlight is the ‘sexual liberation’ that’s taking place. In this too I think it’s the women who loose. Again, women are emotional, they want to be loved and to be commited to one man (I’m generalizing but I think for most women this is the case). By giving into the modern-times sexual freedom, I think they deny their nature, and I don’t believe this brings any happiness for them. In fact it’s the men who gain from female sexual liberation…
To be short: modernity brings women a lot, but they loose a lot as well.
I’m a thirty years old woman and I am as close to getting married as I have ever been. I have rejected many men before for the reason adressed by Tariq in this article: the fear of disappointment. Not to make a commitment is safe, right? I really want to get over this fear of commitment and really intend to at least give at a chance this time. Not setting my expactations too high, but just acknowledging that at the end of the day human beings weren’t meant to live solitarily.
I found this excellent article today, rather late since it was written in 2005. So, my reply is also late … better late than never! I would like to add my deep thought to ‘Marriage as half of faith’.
To my dear readers and to dear Dr. Ramadan whom I met once on one of his visits to Toronto and gave him a picture of Lake Kinneret (the sign that will tell us that Gog and Magog are here),
A woman needs to be loved for her to live completely whereas a man is in need of a wife to complement what he cannot do with his abilities. The task of a husband is very hard. He has to be strong enough to support his wife, his children, and his and her parents at the very least.
To the wife: When you have a child, Insha Allah, you should not work until your child goes to school and he should give you his pay during that time period. He will have to do intensive care of his family during those years. The list goes on … and his responsiblity ends when Allah assures him that his dependants are saved from Hellfire. If you empower your husband and he, in turn respects and loves you, your family will succeed and your children will not suffer Insha Allah. Whatever you do for each other, for your children and for others, especially for their parents, you both have to know and never forget that your actions must be done for the sake of Allah alone. Both will commit mistakes and will need to help each other with the help of Allah against Satan the Accursed. Human beings have only one enemy and it is Satan. So if you know all the characteristics of Satan, you are well prepared to avoid their traps even though you cannot detect them with your senses and faculties.
In my opinion, Allah made us aware of what separates a man from his wife by sending two angels (Harut wa Marut in Sura Baqarah from the Quran) to teach us this knowledge because it is beyond human perception to perceive the Unseen and Satan lives in an Unseen world. We are at a similar disadvantage as a physically blind living among us in regards to our position against Satan. The blind has to have a mental picture of the characteristics of all physical entities in order to avoid all the obstacles if he/she were to walk on his/her own for example, whereas the seeing can put all the obstacles in the blind’s way. Just imagine the seeing is Satan and we are the blind and you will have the whole picture.
Our soul, which is the breath (ruh) of Allah, is the only tool that Allah empowers us with to ‘see’ the Unseen. Satan affects our soul but it is Allah who owns it. Our souls are connected to one another, especially to our dear ones and they bring tears to our eyes and dreams to our minds. Allah knows best. Now, to have an eternal identity, our soul has to live and for our soul to live we have to be married, i.e be in a state of mutual love. Before marriage, it is the parents’ responsibility with Allah’s help to maintain the state of mutual love in our life in order to light our soul. Allah knows whether it is what the Prophet meant when he said marriage is half of faith. I would even add that marriage is the start of our life as a responsible human being having dependents that we have to account for in front of Allah.
With love of Allah,
Roshan Ali at [email protected]
In case you want to reply to my comment, please title you reply Half of Faith.
Yes, men and women need each other. But still they often fail to find each other (I refer to Rahma’s story about women not marrying), and when they find each other harmony is often far off. Are we in a crisis?
Yes, we are in a crisis? There is a conflict between men and women when the enemy of both of us is Satan. Men and women are confused about their identities. Equal does not mean identical. Men and women are created to be different from one another but are only equal when they complement one another. We either do not understand our faith as it is beyond our reach or we have given up and do not care about our faith anymore. We also fail to listen to successful people who have gone through the marriage experience or the ones who are happily married fail to communicate what they know to those who are single. In one sentence, I think that in a complete family, the father-daughter and mother-son relationships have to be strong and deep to the world of the Unseen to continue creating happy families. Allah knows best.
Yes, there´s a lot of hostility and mistrust between muslim men and women. Women think men don´t do enough and don´t support them enough. Men think women are too free and too independent. There´s a lack of communication and they both miss out on a lot. Divorce among second and third generation Dutch Moroccans is sky high. It´s not exeptional any more to see couples split up within the first year of marriage. Really sad.
It´s just that these modern times leave too many options to people: not marrying, marrying someone of the same-sex, having serial relationships, having free sex without relationships, marrying and divorcing at the slightest of disagreement… and so on… No wonder people loose their way. We need to educate people again about the importance of marriage, and we need good examples: marriage should work out for both man and woman. If women (the weakest of the two) see that their rights are systematically being violated in marriages, they can’t express themselves, etc. I can imagine that women that have other options because they are financially independent think twice before getting in such a marriage.
Islam is based on fear and love of Allah. If marriage is half of our deen then surely learning to love is the object of marriage.
Prophet sws said:
« Whoever marries has completed half of his faith. So let him beware of Allah regarding the other half. »
Once we can love Allah, we can love another.
Would we die for this love?
Does this love make us unable to eat from excitement?
Does this love cause us to lose sleep?
Does it make everything else seem bland in comparison?
Do we feel humble in the presence of someone we respect so much?
Do we love everything they do and everything they are, even when we are aware of their potential to harm us more than anybody else?
Do we feel the one we love even when we cannot see them?
Do we feel unbalanced when we know that we have hurt them?
Do we love the people they love just because they remind us of them?
Do we see them in everything?
Hear their words when looking out of a window?
Do we fear not being enough for the one we see as being enough for us?
Do we feel that love is never truly over, even when things go very wrong?
Do we feel pain and anger for the sake of their honour?
Would we leave that which our love dislikes?
Does our love inspire courage?
Does it free us from the bounds of material chains?
Does our love enable us to see what those not in love cannot?
Does it cause it us to float peacefully when others rush in discontent?
Does this love make the grave of the earth wide enough to breathe freely?
Does this love annoy us because we can never be close enough?
Is love willing submission to happiness we cannot yet feel?
Is it the promise of bliss that must first endure the inquisition?
Is a person worthy love worthy of the lover?
Will we be lead astray because our love isn’t strong enough?
Would our lips testify to our love when their name is mentioned?
Do pretend that we do not love them because others do not see?
Would we dance with their enemies even for a short while?
Does our love increase when others try to take it from us?
Is it love if you can will yourself out of love?
Is love being understood fully?
Does love give unrelentingly and unselfishly?
Is love always forgiving unless there is infidelity?
Is an inanimate object equal to the warmth of love?
Is love more valuable than time or is time without love a sham?
Is love for the sake of saying you love really love?
Is sincerity one third of love?
Is recognising what you have a shield against those who are jealous of your love?
Is the weakest of love that which does not express itself through words or action?
Truly loving someone for the sake of Allah ensures that the person in question is already capable of such love.
Loving for any other reason will mean that the spouses will have to learn how to love which will only result in disappointment because they are concentrating their affections on imperfect beings who can never fully understand them.