The Philosophy of Marriage

I agree with you partly. But it´s not just wanting someone to take care of you, when you are educated and have a good job you can do that yourself. It’s about wanting to feel safe and secure. This is not just about the material. It’s about wanting a strong man to lean on, financially, emotionally, physically. Woman that face the ‘big bad world’ might need this more than women that are just staying at home, because they have more challenges in their lives, which may lead to more emotion burdens. So yes, I do think muslimmen, if they don’t take up the challenge, make themselves obsolete for muslimwomen.

Everybody is talking about the ´succes´ of immigrantwomen an yes, some of us have succes, but people forget that we have had to struggle for that. It´s not fair to act like it´s only the boys/men who have problems because they act out and cause trouble. It’s the girls in muslimfamilies who often are not appreciated. We were implicitly given the message that we were not wanted and more of a burden. Our value was mainly in the amount of work we could do in the housekeeping (while our brothers did what they want and were dear). Islam was only used when it was convenient to restrict girls. All the cliches about girls in muslimfamilies are true (although furtunately in many families things are changing). Under these circumstances you had two options: rebel or excell to find appreciation outside of the home. Ok, so we studies hard in high school and got good grades. But when it was time for university, again we had to challenge our parents because they thought it was time for ‘other things’, and a girl doesn’t really need to study, does she? But we persevered, got our degree, and then there is another hindrance: finding a good good WITH headscarf. We did that and people even respected us and we made a decent carreer…. We did it all, but we did it alone, with a lot of pain and struggle. With all that marrying really has to add something to your life because 1. you have learnt to take care of yourself and 2. you will think twice before you let a man into your life that will destroy everything you have built. So yes, then not marrying becomes an option…

Centuries of discrimination of women could not but lead to women turning against men and thus marriage, western feminism could have warned us. Discrimination against women is so ingrained in muslimsocieties that women don’t even feel it as such, until there is an encounter with western societies where things are different, and they resist. I think muslimwomen have their own trauma to process before they can live in harmony with men again. May God help us all.

Trauma is a big word. And I´m not against marriage, I´m actually very much an advocate of marriage. I think it´s the only right (morally, socially) way of forming a couple. I was reacting on the suggestion that women because they appear to be doing better than men should marry underneath their level to ‘save the day’. I’m saying that maybe we need to be ‘saved’ as well and that marriage that doesn’t quite fit someone’s wishes (be it a man or a woman) isn’t worth it, and that not marrying is an option, though not ideal. I do believe in marriage but I believe in good marriages. I’ve seen too many marriages break up because people are not compatible.